Season 1 Episode 7: Thomas & The Breakdown Train

Our favorite little derp engine, Thomas is being filled up with water. The Fat Controller pops out of nowhere early in this episode. He tells Thomas basically, "Don't be a screw up today. Please I am begging you. Just be a really useful engine."

I'm begging you. My Tripadvisor score is dropping.

Thomas is off to shunt trucks into their place. Thomas notices some cranes. His driver explains that they are called, "Breakdown Trains. They pick up engines and trucks in accidents." 

Why do I feel like The Fat Controller needs 50 of these things?

Accident free for 1 day

We time travel to another day, Thomas is still shunting trucks. All the sudden we are interrupted by some red engine being tormented by the trucks. He can not stop and his brakes are on fire. 

They're trying to kill me!

The engine's name is James. James disappears and Thomas looks on with derp eyes and his mouth wide open.

The alarm sounds, James has derailed. Time for that breakdown crane. Whoop Whoop! Thomas couples himself to the cranes and sets off to save James. 

I'm just taking a nap!

James' crew is feeling him up, I mean checking him out to see if he was hurt. He is alright. Apparently, he has wooden brakes. Is this the peg leg equivalent for an engine?

Thomas arrives and parks the crane and removes the unhurt trucks. This has always puzzled me. Why are the trucks always trying to wreck engines when most of the time they destroy themselves? 

Once the trucks are removed they set to putting James back on track.

I believe I can fly

James is paralyzed from his wreck and Thomas must help him back to the shed. The Fat Controller is at the shed waiting for them. He tells Thomas, "I can't believe you didn't screw up today. You are a very useful engine. James is going off to get some real brakes and Thomas you are getting a branch line." Oh geez, Thomas can't mess that up can he?

Thomas receives two coaches named Annie and Clarabel. 

I have dirty eyes

Thomas is never lonely on his new line, Edward and Henry deliver the news to him. But the best part is, Gordon rushes through and says, "Poop Poop!"

Season 1 Episode 6: Thomas & The Trucks

Ah night time at sheds, the best time for the engines to whine and put each other down. Tonight it is Thomas' turn. Thomas is tired of pushing coaches, he wants to take his broken wings and learn to fly awaaaaaaayyyyy. The other engines don't really care about Thomas' dreams. I guess then, Thomas was talking to himself. Okay... 

The next night, Edward offers to switch jobs. Thomas would be taking his train and Edward would be pushing coaches. They ask their drivers the next morning, "If they can switch?"
And well and behold, they say, "Yes."
I think Thomas' driver just wanted him to shut up and Edward's didn't feel like going out to far that day.

Henry meanwhile has his eye poked out

Thomas goes off to pick up some trucks. We learn that trucks are real jerks and can not be trusted. They like to break an engine's spirit if they are use to them. Edward has warned Thomas of this. But as we are finding out, Thomas is a little bit too excitable and little derpy for his own good.

Trustworthy individual, eh?

Thomas couples up and tries to leave. The trucks don't want to go. Thomas is upset over their whining. He can't handle someone else whining apparently. Finally he gets them to move. Oh, I wonder what mischief we'll get into?

Thomas pulls a Gordon and goes as fast as he can, ticking off his trucks. He reaches Gordon's hill and decides to slow it down. Thomas slowly climbs the hill. When he reaches the top he tries to brake. The Trucks start bumping and grinding him down the hill. Thomas speeds through a station and into a buffer.

I saw this face once but, it wasn't on an engine

As always, The Fat Controller pops out of nowhere demanding to know why Thomas is there?

Thomas rats out Edward and explains, "He took his trucks and the bratty trucks pushed him down the hill."

The Fat Controller verbally slaps Thomas and tells him, "He has a lot to learn about trucks. And that he is no Edward." (Who could live up to Edward?)

Thomas is forced to work with trucks until he learns to be a "Really Useful Engine". This is Thomas we are speaking of though... 

I tell all my "special" engines they are useful

Season 1 Episode 5: Thomas' Train

Thomas is whining to the other engines about doing his job. They tell Thomas, "That he is too impatient and that he would leave his passengers behind. Now be gone!" 

That night Thomas and Henry are in the shed. Henry is not feeling so well. One can say, "He looked a little green."

It's not easy being green

Henry is still ill in the morning. Thomas is already to take advantage of this situation. Oh that Thomas! Thomas pulls the coaches into the station like a jack rabbit on speed. The passengers board and they are shut in. Henry still hasn't shown. At this moment, Thomas is about to steam his pants at the possibility of pulling Henry's train. And by god, The Fat Controller tells Thomas to do it. Thomas gets so excited that he derps out.

The pride of the railroad folks!

Ringo says, "What happens then no one knows." I beg to differ just look at that face. We know Thomas has something going on there. But anyhow, Thomas pulls away without his coaches. Everyone is waving at Thomas. He just thinks it is because he is special. He is clearly. So, Thomas you aren't wrong. 

Make him feel special kids!

Thomas is amazed at how easy it is to pull trains. But, Thomas is stopped at a signal. The signal man comes up to Thomas and asks, "What the blazes are you doing here?"

Thomas says, "He is pulling a train, fool."

The signal man points out what a derp Thomas is, as he has no couches. 

Say what?!

Thomas is sent back almost crying. At the station, the passengers where complaining to The Fat Controller about how bad his railway is. They should have used AAA. But, all is forgiven when Thomas comes back sobbing. They see what a derp he is. They couple Thomas and he does it.

Give him a gold star

The passengers may have forgave him but, the other engines never let him forget it.

Season 1 Episode 4: Edward, Gordon, & Henry

We start off with Gordon pulling out of the station with his big express. As usual Gordon starts to show off with The Fat Controller in tow. Gordon approached the tunnel where Henry is still in time out FOREVER! Gordon is all about "Poop Pooping" at Henry. But instead Gordon just poops himself and breaks down at the tunnel. 

I poop poop myself

So his driver explains that he burst his safety valve (poop poop himself) and he can not pull the train anymore. Henry is just sitting in time out laughing at poopy engine Gordon. The Fat Controller comes out and hates on big engines. He demands another engine. Spoiled pants Gordon slowly puffs onto a siding. 

Edward my hero, is the only engine available to do it.

My hero!

Gordon sees Edward and goes, "Aw, hell no! He can't do it!" 

Okay Gordon, I will give you that one. My Eddie couldn't do it. The Fat Controller decides to let Henry out of time out to try to help pull the train. Henry is fired up and let out of the tunnel. He has a stiffy. Oh don't be gross. His wheels are stiff. Geez, get your mind out of the gutter! 

Ol' Stiffy

Henry couples up to the train with Edward and they call their peeps. And they're off! The Fat Controller back on the train, does not follow the rules about keeping all arms and legs in the train at all times and looses his hat to a goat. They arrive at the station, Henry is celebrated like a hero. The Fat Controller offers him a new coat of paint. 

Edward and Henry head off to get Gordon. And we find that they are all friends now. Henry also learned to not stop in tunnels when it rains that he should just suck it up and ask for a rub down.

Time for my stiffy driver!

Season 1 Episode 3: The Sad Story Of Henry

Our story begins with an engine who is afraid of rain. The Engine went a tunnel and refused to come out again. We find out our engine's name is Henry. 

Nope

His crew gets out and argue with him to get his booty out of the tunnel. Henry insists the rain is going to ruin his green paint with red stripes. It must be acid rain. For some reason his guard thinks it is going to work to blow his whistle and wave his flag at Henry. Doesn't the guard know that Henry is suffering from 'Gordon Syndrome'?

The Fat Controller rolls up in style.

AKA Sir Topham Hatt

The Fat Controller gets all up in Henry's face and threatens to pull him out. Henry just steams him. The Fat Controller goes all Russia on his passengers and makes them play TUG A WAR with Henry. And then he makes them push. The Fat Controller just stands on the side insisting his doctor forbids him. 

Geez dude, I don't know, don't you own like 200 engines? Maybe you should have an engine pull him out instead of your paying passengers who are probably already ticked because of your freaky talking engine crying over rain. I regress...

I'd be asking for a refund and my next trip on Edward

Finally Thomas comes along. He tries to push Henry but, Henry doesn't leave the tunnel. The Fat Controller has enough of this crud. He has a hard enough time with that turd, Gordon. He tells Henry, "He is going to block Henry in the tunnel FOREVER." Like a honey badger, Henry don't give a shat. 

Or maybe he does?

After sitting for awhile in train time out, Henry is starting to regret his life choices. Edward and Gordon often pass. Edward always says, "Peep peep." because he likes Peeps. 

Gordon says, "Poop, poop, poop." basically because he has a poopy attitude. 

Yes, you are a poop Gordon

Henry can't answer them due to not having a fire. And worst of all he finds that being in the tunnel has ruined his paint job. I would have dealt with the acid rain, Henry. Poor Henry is left in the tunnel wondering what will happen to him? I kind of know the feeling. My mother always forgot she had told me to stand in the corner.

FOREVER!

Season 1 Episode 2: Edward & Gordon

First off, I must say I flipping love Edward. I have since I was little girl. He is adorable even when the other engines are picking on him because he is not as big and is old. 

Oh no, Edward I wish I could hug you.

 The other engines all gang up on him and basically telling him, "To go rot. The Fat Controller is not going want him working." His crew though has a heart and asks Edward, "If he would like to come out?"Edward is all for it. 

The other engines are all butt hurt when Edward puffs out. We get to see Edward work all day. Which is great because, we get to hear the Edward theme. 

That night, Edward is in the sheds telling the other engines about how great he did and that he is going out again in the morning. The other engines give Edward the stank eye. But, Edward being old just falls asleep without notice. 

                                          And the haters going to hate, hate, hate

The next morning Gordon is being a grade A jag off and boasts about his express. Edward is just like, "what evs" and shunts trucks. After shunting his trucks he parks off on the side to rest. But what is this? Oh it is Gordon pulling a Goods Train. Gordon passes Edward complaining the whole time about how he is too good to be pulling a Goods Train. Edward deep down loves it and laughs.

Edward goes off to find some more trucks. But, his fun is cut short. His driver is informed that Gordon the jerk is stuck on a hill and must be saved. I sense this will be happening a lot. 

Edward pulls up to find that Gordon's crew is basically calling him out for being a turd. Edward's driver tells Gordon and his crew that they have came to push. Gordon insists, "That it is no good."

They back Gordon down the hill and buffer up to Edward. They start up the hill. Gordon being his total jerk self complaining up the hill like a prissy teenage girl. Edward is like, "Fine, I will do it. I will do it. You just wait for your nails to dry I'll do all the hard work for you."

Edward gets Gordon to the top of the hill. Gordon takes off forgetting to thank good ol' Edward. Edward goes slowly to the next station and morphs into James, who we aren't suppose to know who that is yet. 

Edward is not so cute that way

So even if Gordon didn't thank Edward, his crew is grateful. They promise Edward a new coat of paint. And Edward will be the most rocking engine on The Island Of Sodor.

Season 1 Episode 1: Thomas & Gordon

The most fitting place to start. Let's met Thomas! Yay! 

First off we learn that he is stubby in a lot of ways, cheeky, and fussy. Oh my, he sounds like a handful doesn't he? As Ringo tells us he gathers and pulls away coaches for the bigger engines. He also likes to play jokes on them. Especially this fellow named Gordon.

With a face like that who wouldn't? That is the kind of face you just want to mess with. Thomas torments Gordon all day, every day when he is trying to nap. Gordon finally looses his cool and decides he must plot revenge. 

The next day, Thomas is trying to wake up. Thomas has an awful wake up face. It reminds me of every stoner I have ever seen a picture of. 

They try to pass it off as Thomas not having enough steam. But, I know the truth. Thomas' little problem causes the coaches to be late for Gordon. Gordon sees this as an excellent time to unleash his revenge. Gordon herds his passengers on as quickly as possible. So, quick they don't uncouple Thomas. Gordon takes off like a LA car chase with Thomas still on his back and we get this great facial expression. Thanks Gordon! 

Thomas claims he will never be the same again. We all know this is a lie. Gordon stops at a station and Thomas finally is uncoupled. Thomas goes off to pout about everyone laughing at him. Seriously Thomas, when you make all these faces we must laugh you. They are funnier then you being dragged to your possible death. Thomas promises never to be cheeky to Gordon again. Once again, this is a lie. 

The Purpose Of The Blog

I wanted to start this blog as a snarky tribute to Thomas And Friends. Now don't get me wrong, I don't hate Thomas. I actually have great memories of watching him. The fact is, I love to pick on things I love. I admit I may not have the best grammar out there so bare with me. This is all done for fun.