Season 5 Episode 5: James And The Trouble With Trees

Mr. Thomas has been workin' in the coal mine goin' on down, down. He is filthy and all he wants is a bath. But, his driver can't allow that. The hose pipe is down. Thomas begrudgingly heads home to the sheds. 

Why must you sing at my expense?

At the sheds, no one notices that Thomas is a filthy burritos. James, Henry, and Gordon are too busy arguing over who is the pride of the line. *cough, Edward* Excuse me, any how James insists that he is getting a new coat of paint due to The Fat Controller being in love with him. 

Percy explains all this to Thomas, who of course gets jealous. James over hears Thomas' rant and chews him out for looking like scum.

While James was being repainted the next day, good ol' Henry has a little accident. He derails his load of trucks.

Just another day on Sodor.

James who is on a siding, begins to run his mouth about how horrible Henry is at working his trucks. James suggests that Henry go talk to his little tree friends instead of working. 

Henry then puts the curse on James by mentioning that The Fat Controller is looking for trees to close to the line and they will be cut down. 

James insists that he would just run over the trees, like the red neck engine he dreams to be.

Such a smug little asshole

Later that day, James is all painted up and showing off his paint. Percy tired of James' runny mouth, tells him that he wouldn't be such a smug ass if I tree fell on him. (Oh please!)

Terence throws in the double whammy of telling James to be careful. Which James shrugs off and leaves to pull The Express.

Paaaaaaaahhhhh!

Instead once James arrives at the platform, The Fat Controller instructs James to pull a heavy goods train. James tries to weasel his way out of it by using his new paint as an excuse. But, it doesn't work. 

James arrives at the yard to pick up his trucks. The weather has changed for the worst and the trucks are in their mood. One even calls James ugly.

High five!

James sets off. He goes through the woods and up hill. And much to my delight, an old tree by the line is shaking and the ground is slipping. (Come to mama) The tree slide right on rails.

Unfortunately, James stops in time before wrecking. 

Dammit!

They try to reverse James back down the hill but, he was too heavy. Then a cry from a whistle is heard. James' driver cries, "It's Thomas!" Once again, Thomas arrives to save James' ass.

James assumes that Thomas will tease him too. But, Thomas doesn't care he unlike me, is worried about the tree slamming down on James. Thomas pulls James back and the tree falls.

Dammit again!

That evening, James and Thomas have a heart to heart. James confesses that Percy and Terence were correct to warn him. And he thanks Thomas. 

Holy crap, Total Hottie Edward has just arrived! Thank you, thank you! This is my reward for writing this James post!

Edward informs them that they are being rewarded. Thomas is getting new paint and James is going to get to pull The Express. And everyone was like, Yay!

Edward, you made it totally worth sitting through a James episode. 

Season 5 Episode 3: A Better View For Gordon

Gordon is in one of his moods, which was rubbing James the wrong way. James asks Gordon, "What is up his butt, today?"

Gordon lays into James for asking. He explains that he is a great big engine and he has to the right to moody and complain. James on the other hand, is small and he doesn't matter.

Percy butts in, with his dumb remarks about not understanding what is being said. (Yes, Percy is slowly going down to that point of no return.) James goes as far to put it as, Percy is ditz. 

Gordon vows to show them all what a big engine can do. He then puffs away angrily.

Jane Slicker is also in a mood.

Later that day, The Fat Controller speaks to Gordon about making a stop at the new station with an empty Express. He wants Gordon to test it out. 

Gordon complains that Henry should do it, since he like idling at stations. The Fat Controller then tells Gordon to shut his fat engine mouth and do what he is told.

If you don't I am going to make you bunk with Thomas all alone.

Gordon heads out. He started to feel ill while doing his run. His driver explains to Gordon that he needs to go to The Works, he is all clogged up. 

No wonder Gordon is pissy, he needs some Exlax

Gordon arrives at the new station but, he is not impressed. The station is too plain for him. The wall in front of his was just off white and there was buffers for him to stare at. Gordon insists that he needs a panoramic view because, he is as important as royalty. 

I would paint a portrait of Pee-Wee Herman on it.

Gordon is thrilled when it is time to leave. His driver mentions that now, Gordon can have all the fun he wants, as long as his pipes keep going.

Gordon now out on the line, was pushing himself to go fast. He also started this whole denial thing with being sick. Then Gordon blows. He slowly comes to a halt. 

My clogged pipes!

His crew inspects him and come to the conclusion that something broke inside of Gordon. (It is called his cold heart.) They insist that he will have to go to The Works for sure now. 

James arrives to gather Gordon's coaches. And of course, James had to stop to rub it into Gordon's face. It just wouldn't be right to not do it. 

No one on Sodor gets way with any mistakes without being mocked.

A few days later, Gordon returned from The Works. Gordon is still in his mood. He brags while on the turntable that his is the best engine on the island. 

The Fat Controller arrives to gather Gordon for the official opening of the new station. 

Gordon speeds down the line towards the new station. As they approached the station, they discover that Gordon's brakes have become jammed. They couldn't slow Gordon down in time, he then smashed through the plain wall at the station.

It would have great if he would have flown.

The crew and The Fat Controller, looking quit beat up , get into one of those platform cranes to speak to Gordon. The Fat Controller tells Gordon, this was not the way to get his view. 

Hello Gordon, would you like to play with us?

Gordon is sent off The Works again. Once he came back this time, he takes The Fat Controller to the station for the second grand opening. He arrives with no incidents this time.

The Fat Controller gets out and speaks to Gordon. He had the scene of the accident turned into a window in the shape of Gordon's fat face. Gordon loves this and will probably never let anyone else forget it.

The paint is kind of messed up there, boys.

Season 3 Episode 24: Heroes

Aw here we go with a story about the two crazies, Bill and Ben. Bill and Ben are working at the quarry when they realize they are bored and they need a surprise. Or in other words, a reason to cause mischief. But before they can cause chaos, the quarry master arrives. He sends Bill and Ben to the harbor per The Fat Controller.

And you can bet he was thrilled to have them gone.

Bill and Ben meet The Fat Controller at the harbor. He explains since Edward is out taking children on a trip, he needs Bill and Ben to shunt trucks for him. 

Bill and Ben head off to work. They met up with Gordon who lectures them to behave since they are on The Mainline. Ben burns Gordon by stating he thought he was at the scrapyard. (And at that moment, Ben earned points with me.) Before leaving, Gordon warns them to have his express ready that evening.

Oh it burns so bad.

Bill and Ben begin to work shunting trucks. They thought they were doing great and the job was easy. But in reality, they were sucking hard at it. The trucks were growing more and more annoyed with them. At this point, I think we all know where this going.

Muhahahaha!

As evening rolls in, the yard looks like a war zone. The twins had foolishly let the trucks tell them where to put them. 

At the station, Gordon and his passengers are furious as they have no coaches. While Bill and Ben try their hardest to get things straight. By the time, they get the coaches to Gordon his train is late. 

Leaving Gordon closer to an aneurysm.

The next day, twins were sent back to the quarry to work. Suddenly, there was a rumble. A rock slide is about to go down. The alarm sounds and mass panic ensues. The quarry workers climb into Bill and Ben's trucks. 

Bill and Ben were just about to leave, when a voice yells, "Help!" It's the Quarry master. He is about to be squished. 

It's hard to run when you legs don't move.

Ben waited for him while he climbed on board. They left the quarry with seconds to spare. The whole set begins to crumble. It is actually very dramatic. The only thing I would suggest is more explosions. 

I feel sorry the person who has to clean all the sand up.

The next day, The Fat Controller arrives on Edward. He congratulates Bill and Ben for saving all those souls. He does it in a very quick and unenthusiastic, "Hip, Hip, Hooray, Hooray, Hooray." Bill and Ben feel like heroes, even with the lack of effort to properly cheer from The Fat Controller. (He probably wanted to get it over with and eat an iced bun.)

Season 3 Episode 3: Time For Trouble

If you name an episode, "Time For Trouble" it has to be snark worthy!

It is still tourist season on Sodor. The Slave Driver is working his engines tail ends off. Gordon of course, is grumping at the coaches to pick it up. The Fat Controller has been extra demanding on him. He has been doing trains one after another. 

Being a nice slave driver, one particular day, The Fat Controller gives Gordon a break.

Psst.... James, is this a test of some kind?

He decides to have James do Gordon's work. (Aw, here it goes!)

James was thrilled to be doing Gordon's very important work. He wanted everyone to see that red coat of his and how fast he could be. (Wait, I figured it out. James is suppose to be for the red haired kids)

James rolls up to Toby. James goes all Gordon on Toby. He starts to brag about being so important. Toby really doesn't give a flying mongoose. 

As usual, The Fat Controller just appears out of nowhere.

I love the look on his porter's face. He is cereal.

He sends Toby to The Works to get his old man parts mended. Toby begs to brings Henrietta Pussycat with him. The Fat Controller is like, "Ah hell no!" and leaves. 

Toby on his way out, runs into Percy. Percy agrees to take care of Henrietta for him.

Toby makes his way down the mainline. Due to Toby being a tram, he has a hard time making it the full way without water. He begins to feel thirsty.

Toby makes it to a station with a water tower. He starts to fill up when a new signal man comes up. He needs the line clear for The Express. Toby has to fill up at the next station. Toby's driver tries to argue but, the noob will not agree to let him finish.

Elder abuse!

Toby was trying to hurry but, hurrying was using up more water then it should. Thanks to the noob signal man, Toby ran out water and became stranded on the mainline. 

Percy puffs up with Henrietta Pussycat. The Fireman flags him down and demands to be taken back to the station to warn James about Toby on the line. He should probably kick the signal man's butt too.

I'm up for an ass kicking.

James, still pretending to be Gordon, hears the news and all he can do is complain about being late. Never mind Toby, sitting on the tracks dehydrated. 

The noob signal man admits it was his fault. And James' driver informs James that he is going to have to push Toby. 

I don't want to be down wind from an old man.

James sets off, grumbling the whole time. He finds Toby and rather rudely bumps him and sets back off.  

They pull into The Works' station. James at this moment is pooped out. But the kids on the platform don't care. They begin to make fun of James by joking that it took two engines to pull The Express. 

Toby reassures James that they are only joking. But, James is ticked.

The moral of the story....

Kids are heartless...

Season 2 Episode 22: Wrong Road

Today we learn that mainline engines are not allowed to run on branch lines. They are far too heavy for what the tracks can support. Well, that just gave away the plot to this episode. 

Total hottie Edward and Gordon start off a discussion. Gordon is butt hurt about branch line diesels pulling mainline coaches. Edward suggests that Boco would let Gordon pull his coaches. This highly disturbs Gordon. Gordon claims the rule for mainline engines not being on branch lines is because they're vulgar. Gordon then puffs away and Edward follows him to the station.

I love how Gordon is the biggest jag off and Edward just smiles. 

In the evening time, Edward and Gordon pull trains from the station. Gordon leave first with the mainline train and Edward comes in five minutes later with his branch line. Of course tonight, there will be TROUBLE!

A lady on the platform with a obnoxious green hat was saying her goodbyes to her lover boy.  

Thank you darling for the pearl necklace.

Time was near for Gordon to start. The Fireman looked back at the guard van and saw something green waving. Naturally, he assumed it was his flag. Oh no it wasn't, just the floppy obnoxious hat. Gordon sets off leaving his passengers, luggage, and guard at the station.

And Edward looses his eyebrows again.

Gordon backs slowly back in the station once they stopped him down the line. Edward was now running late heads off first. Oh the shenanigans, that will follow.

Gordon looks so lovely in blush.

The Signal Man down the line, doesn't realize that it was not Gordon coming down the line and does not switch the line. Edward heads down the mainline and Gordon goes down the branch. Gordon stops in a siding at the harbor.

The next morning, Bill and Ben arrive at the harbor. They have no trucks waiting for them but, they have Gordon. They begin to tease Gordon. 

You have awful wrinkles!

Gordon pretends that he does not hear the twins as they tease him about never coming down the branch lines. They then insist that it is just an old pile of iron and not Gordon. The twins debate whether to take him to the scrapyard or dump him in the sea. Gordon pleads for them to stop.

Gordon is very expressive this episode.

Boco arrives and Gordon falls in love with him. He finds him a beautiful sight. Boco threatens to take back the trucks he brought for Bill and Ben and makes them behave. 

Gordon calls the twins demons and wants to know Boco's secrets for dealing with them. Gordon also thinks Boco saved his life. Which makes Boco his knight in shining armor. Awe...

Gordon then derails.

I am still wondering what happened to the passengers?

Season 1 Episode 24: Off The Rails

With a title like this we know some crap is going to go down on the Island of Sodor. Let's began!

We find Gordon sleeping at a siding.

I never want to see this again.

Gordon is bragging in his rest about how awesome he is. It just occurred to me that Gordon is the Kayne West of Sodor. 

Henry interrupts Gordon's ego trip and promptly calls him, "Fat Face". This is Henry's best move ever.

Henry, I am really growing to love you.

Gordon exclaims that Henry is growing too big for his panties talking to him like that. The engine who never had an accident. 

Ah yes, I see where this is going.

Percy who apparently was hiding near, reminds Kayne Gordon West of his jammed whistle and being stuck on his hill. 

Today of all days, is Henry's day to take The Express. Gordon grumbles to Henry about being careful and that he better keep on the rails.

Fight, fight, fight!

Henry puffs off with The Express in a mountain of steam. Gordon then goes back to sleep. But not for long, his crew exclaims that they have a special train to pull and it is trucks. This pisses off Gordon even more. At this point, he know that The Fat Controller doesn't care about blue people/engines.

Gordon's fire was slow to start so, Edward came to push Gordon to the turntables. 

Edward, your face is in my tender.

Gordon grumbles on the way over that he will not go. Oh, now it is all clearing up. FAKER. 

Unfortunately, for him the movement of the trip stirs his fire. And Gordon is now steaming nicely. 

Gordon then schemes to jam the table. So he moves forward at the wrong moment on purpose. But, he can't stop and off into the ditch he went. 

It even made his eyes off center

Much to our delight, Gordon's crew refuses to help him out. They call up The Fat Controller and explain everything. The Fat Controller even agrees to let Gordon sit in ditch.

Some boys across the way arrive and start singing great little ditties about what a ass Gordon is. 

Nighttime arrives and they decide to let Gordon out. The breakdown cranes were put into place.  James and Henry also help pulling him out. 

Where's my tender? Kim, Kim, where are you?

Gordon once free, slinks into the sheds. Where we assume he pouts and plans his next album. 

Season 1 Episode 19: The Flying Kipper

It is winter and he find that Henry has to be up early in the morning, to get his Egg McMuffin on. Oh just kidding, they are picking up a fish train called, "The Flying  Kipper". The driver also thinks this is their opportunity to knock Gordon off The Express.

And after we knock off Gordon, we get Thomas

We find that The Flying Kipper is the fish that arrives at the dock that needs to be trained off to far away lands. 

In the morning, Henry arrives minus the Egg McMuffin to take The Flying Kipper. There was snow and frost on the rails. But, everything goes down perfect and Henry is set to go.

Smells like fish

Poor Henry is going along beautifully. I can not snark at this at all. The scenery and detail they put in on this set is beautiful too bad, I know bad things are going to happen. 

Henry is passes a green signal and everything seems alright. But the next signal is yellow. His driver was gearing to stop but, they found that another signal said, "All clear." so they head through. 

Ah here it goes, the points are frozen and the other signal should have been set to "Danger". 

On a siding, a goods train is waiting for Henry to pass. The crew is enjoying coco in the brake van. They decide to get their train ready to go since Henry should be there any second. They escape at just the right moment. 

I like my coco with danger

Henry smashes right into the back of the goods train.

I honestly have never felt so bad for a model train in my life

Poor Henry, I feel so bad for him. I remember this episode actually made me tear up as a child. 

Henry derails and this is the saddest picture ever.

Someone needs a hug

The Fat Controller arrives to see the carnage. Henry explains that the signal was down. The Fat Controller is actually understanding this time. He explains the ice had screwed up everything. He also tells Henry that he is getting plastic surgery in the form of a new shape and firebox.

Henry gets his procedure done and heads home happily. I crowd gathers to see his new shape. Everyone cheers for him. 

Looking hot, Henry.

Henry also now gets to pull the express which makes Gordon jelly. 

I am so glad Henry made it.

Season 1 Episode 10: James And The Express

We find that The Fat Controller is starting to trust James but, the other engines still give him hell about the boot lace. 

Gordon brags about being so bad that he is the only one who has something to talk about. He is so bad ass that he is the only one who can pull The Express alone. He knows his way so well that he knows which line to take by instinct. But, everyone knows the signal man does that. 

Chicks dig me also

The next morning. Gordon is still boasting. He puts James down for doing odd jobs and then tells James, "To run along and gather his coaches."

James actually does this. If it was me, I would probably tell Gordon to, "shut it."

The coaches actually like James today. They have a quick conversation about how James would love to pull the express. 

Gordon on the next line, gets ready to back onto the 1st line. Of course, he has to make a scene of it. 

Chicks love it when I steam on them

The Fat Controller is riding on Gordon's train today. They load up the passengers and they are off. Gordon then says my favorite line.

James watches Gordon poop off and goes back to his job. James then puts some coaches out for the next train. He then hears an awful noise. It is Gordon he pooped himself again. 

James finally gets a chance to mock Gordon. He asks Gordon, "If he lost his way?"

Gordon explains that, "He was switched on the wrong line and had to make his way around again."

And I poop pooped myself

Once again, The Fat Controller's passengers are angry. They head to the ticket master and demand their money back. The Fat Controller takes control and offers them another engine. 

And please do not write about this on the internet

The Fat Controller puts James to the task. James promises to try his best and sets off. James pulls the express so well that the passengers forget about their troubles and thank James.

The Fat Controller personally speaks to James. He offers the chance for James to pull the express sometimes instead of Gordon. 

Watch out for my excitement! 

The next day Gordon says, "I like quiet work for a change. He is teaching the trucks manners" 

Yeah right Gordo. 

And with that Gordon and James are buddies.